As soon as I became nine or ten and could even comprehend the idea of love, marriage, and forever with someone I was told by those older than me to take my time because it wouldn’t always be what it was depicted to be in the romantic movies I loved to watch so much.

Once I started to date and really experience everything for myself I started to crave being in a relationship and be repelled by the idea all at the same time.

Eventually I found someone who I thought I would spend my forever with. But how the fuck are you supposed to know if the person you choose or the person you are with is the one you are supposed to be with for the rest of your life or if you are being a hopeless romantic.

Love is not what I thought it would be. I believe everyone finds that out for themselves at one point or another. It is a constant back and forth tug of war to get what you need and be what they need.

Is there even such a thing such as love or just a mutual dependance on another individual.

I believe for the most part I am more of a hopeless romantic than most because I have two parents who are lucky to still seem to be very in love. But that is because they have both achieved something great from nothing. While my dad does technically bring in more money their achievements would not have been possible with out the both of them. Does this make it so that the responsibility and success is equally distributed?

What do you think it is that makes some people just more successful than others. Yes all of the social structures that impact our dailey life obviously have something to do with this. Yet, tonight I started to believe that it may be something more sometimes, something internal.

How often do you either hear someone say positive, self validating things about themselves? More even, how often do you find yourself focusing on your atributes instead of what you are lacking. I believe some poeple are sucessful because they simply believe they can be. They have either been told since delinquency that they were more than capable or they had that ah! epiphany moment when all of a sudden they believed in themself.

Our society trains us so much to only focus on our short comings because that is how we will get better. I can’t do this anymore. While I am aware of what I can improve about myself I need to find a greater self love, in order to acieve the things I am capable of.

I guess what I am saying is that I want to be the person that is able to sit down in front of a problem and fix that problem because she knows she can. I no longer want to be the person that does not even sit down in front of that problem and make an attemp because fear and self doubt tell me before I have a chance I am not good enough, not capable, and simply not special.

Recently I decided to delete social media from my phone. You know Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook and what I found was definitly not expected. Almost even a little upsetting.

Although deleting Facebook and Instagram had their own impacts on my life, story for another time. It was the effect deleting snapchat had that suprised me the most. I realized after a couple of days that I was starting to have more self confidence in my physical apperance and I realized that this was because I was no longer looking into that distorted camera picture of myself a million times a day. They say that if you look in the mirror for an excessive amount of time you actually start getting a distored picture of what you look like. I believe that this is what was happening to me.

Not only was it the excessive amount of time I was spending looking into that camera reflection but the idea that I should or even needed to use filters every time I sent a picture. This idea that you need to look perfect or that you should weirdly pretend you are anything else but you are is what made me feel lost, unlikable, and even ugly.

The really sad thing is these days Snapchat is such a normal thing that we don’t even think to consider that maybe its the reason you need that validation from the one night stand, or to pile on make up just to feel like the person people expect you to be.

Be you. Being you is more than enough.

Honestly I am not completely sure what inspired me type into google “writing blogs online”. I am not a good writting… As you will see. I have awful grammer and have never done anything like this. And yet, here I am. Just so anyone reading this knows the point of this blog is not to be perfect. Just to be me. There will probably be many spelling and grammer mistakes, and maybe even whole paragraphs that do not make but that is the point of this. No filter, not corrections just me.

Im not even sure what I expect to get out of this. Maybe I just want to get my thoughts down in a manner that I can look back at. Maybe I want to feel less alone by sharing my life with complete strangers I don’t know. What I do know is I need something. As of right now this seems to be as good as it is going to get.

Alright where do I start? Part of me feels as though telling you about my first love… The reason I got here is where I should start and yet another part of me wants to think he is not what matters anymore. What matters is me. How weird is that to say? Because in the society we live in today saying that, saying I, me, myself does matter is like a tabboo. Alright I am getting off topic. Story for another time.

I guess my question to myself does love truly exist? And if it does what is it? Is it what we make it out to be in movies? Or is it something completely different something much more scientific? Like the biology of needing a partner to help you survie during your life.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton